As I mentioned, I didn’t really have a very good weekend. Nothing bad happened. In fact, from the outside, it looked like a very nice weekend. We all relaxed. I got some Christmas shopping done. It snowed a little, but didn’t stick to the roads. Michael and I enjoyed an hour at Barnes and Noble. Nothing to complain about, right?
By the time Friday rolled around, I was completely touched out. I haven’t felt that way since Michael weaned, but with all of his climbing, pulling, pushing, and poking last week I was done with being touched. This would be fine except that Andy saw just how exhausted I was, and kept reaching over to tap my leg just to reassure me. My normal mind would think about how sweet that is and I’d feel so happy to have a loving, supportive husband. But, it wasn’t my normal mind, it was PMS mind. Instead, it just felt like a constant reminder that I’ll never have a free moment ever, ever again and that people always need a little more from me than I think I have to give…WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME!!!
I got up in a huff and moved over to the love seat. And, if that message wasn’t clear enough, I stretched out the full length of it so Andy couldn’t sit there if he did actually want to.
And if that crazy wasn’t bad enough, I got even worse on Saturday. Michael has started to drop naps every so often. For someone who loves her naps, this is horrifying to me. So, on Saturday morning, I decided to take Michael to Barnes and Noble in an attempt to wear him out. We had a lot of fun and stayed longer than normal. By the time we got home, I felt like I had earned a nap. No, I felt I was entitled to a nap. So, after lunch, I took Michael up to bed, read him some stories, and then tucked him in. Sleep tight baby.
I settled down on the sofa with a soda a my Sudoku book and listened to the monitor, waiting for that regular breathing that signals my ok to head up for a nap. But instead of rustling covers and sweet little sighs, I was hearing an ongoing conversation about how Michael didn’t want to take a nap.
No, no, no! I need a nap. Sleep, child sleep. Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? After about half an hour of mentally pleading with him to sleep, I started getting frustrated, then mad. I was so upset, I felt like I was trembling inside. I JUST WANT A FREAKING NAP! Is that too much to ask for? Seriously. A nap, that’s all I want.
It was getting close to an hour when Michael started to object to his quiet time. Andy came up and I informed him that he was going to have to deal with Michael because I needed to go have a nervous breakdown. Then, without another word, I went upstairs and shut myself in my bedroom like a pouting child. A few minutes later, Andy came in to get something and caught me crying, which just made me even angrier. I wanted to curse at him and maybe toss my pillow in his general direction.
I’ve felt this way before with PMS. I get angry for no reason, I start to tremble, and then half an hour later it passes and I’m fine. But, on Saturday, that didn’t happen. When I got up from my nap, I was still feeling off. I decided to run to the grocery store to buy myself a little more time to pull myself together. However, I quickly found myself overwhelmed in the pasta isle, trying not to cry over the enormity of choosing between Barilla or San Giorgio. One of them must be better than the other, right? What if I pick the wrong one? Shouldn’t I know these things? Oh my god, why does everything have to be so freaking hard?
I survived the shopping trip, and eventually calmed down. But then I was left feeling emotionally and physically drained. I also felt horribly guilty. I went psycho over missing a nap and having too many types of pasta to choose from. I feel so bad for Andy and Michael to have to experience that, and embarrassed that I so completely lost it over a few hormones surging through my blood stream.
I’m not sure what made things so bad this time around. Was I just too stressed and tired to handle it? I don’t think so. Ive been worse off and never lost it like that. Did it have something to do with adjusting my thyroid medication? I mean my levels are fine now, so that should make things better, not worse. And then it hit me. What if this has to do with my age? What if this is the beginning of perimenopause? At that thought, my brain short circuited. I’m not ready to start thinking about that sort of thing. Must distract myself. Must distract myself.
So, what do you all think? I normally do roast beef sandwiches and baked ziti for Christmas dinner. I’d like to switch things up a little, so I’m going to do lasagna. But what meat dish should I do? I’m not a fan of ham, and I don’t want to do turkey. I like to do a buffet style meal. Any suggestions? Maybe something I can prepare in advance and then reheat?
Huh? Wait, what was I talking about? Never mind, I’m sure whatever it was it wasn’t important.
P.S. I finally went with San Giorgio because it was on sale.