Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What the Heck Was That?

Andy had Tai Chi last night. He left the house right before I put Michael to bed. That meant that once Michael was asleep, I had the house to myself. You know, those rare moments when you can plug in the iPod ear phones and do whatever the hell you want. Precious moments in the life of a mom.

As I was relaxing and listening to music, I noticed a "thump, thump" sound coming from somewhere. We live in a town home, and it's not uncommon to hear some thumping from our neighbors, but I was pretty certain that neither of them were home. I got up and wondered to the front of the house to double check. Sure enough, no one home.


I was a little freaked out, so I took my headphones off and tried to figure out where the sound was coming from. I was wondering if I'd need to call 911 when I heard the thumping again. It was coming from the back of the house.

That's when I remembered that the last time I put trash out, I wasn't able to find the clamp that we use to secure the lid. The heavy duty clamp that we had to invest in specifically to keep a certain furry masked bandit out of our trash.

I walked back to the living room and peeked out the back door to see what was going on. Sure enough, there was the furry beast trying to flip the lid of our trashcan. I banged on the glass hoping to scare him away.

The dude didn't budge.

So, I opened the storm door a little and yelled at him.

Oh, the look that critter gave me. He even hesitated before slinking off the trashcan and disappearing behind the deck. That raccoon is not afraid of people.

I returned to my seat and plugged my headphones back in.


Son of a...He was back. He didn't even wait a full minute before climbing his furry little ass back up to my trashcan. I swear, if I listened hard enough, I probably could have heard him going "Pffft" in the background.

How dare that fluffy trash picker blow off my threat? Now it's personal.

Now, if I were a red neck, I'd go and get my gun and show the raccoon the error of his ways. But I'm not. I'm a peace loving, hippy type who really loves nature and animals. But, this isn't a Beatrix Potter book folks, it's my back yard and I don't want trash strewn all over it. Nor do I want to encourage wild animals to come within inches of my house. Especially ones that appear to be brazen enough to let a 4 year old walk up and pet it.

I looked around the living room trying to figure out what to do to scare him off. There wereNerf guns and Nerf darts all over the floor. I asked myself if it would be horrible to shoot a Nerf dart at a raccoon. Hmm...I shoot them at Michael all the time.* It can't be that bad.

I loaded the gun with the dart, cocked the trigger, opened the door and shot the raccoon point blank.

He barely even flinched. I shot a raccoon with a Nerf gun and the fuzzy bastard just looked at me like I was a fly buzzing around it's head. How dare I interfere with his dinner!

I picked up our snow shovel and started smacking the trashcan with it. Take that, furball!

Ah, OK. Now I can finally sit down and relax. I put my feet up, plugged my headphones in, and...


OMG! I jumped up. I was really mad at this point. What kind of crazy critter is this that isn't even afraid of a crazy human bashing at it with a snow shovel? I looked around the living room trying to find something else in my arsenal. As I was listening to the persistent little looter, I scanned the floor for the perfect weapon. My eyes settled on a pink balloon that Michael abandoned after letting it fly around the room.

I picked it up, filled it with water, tied it tight, and then opened the door. The raccoon barley even looked at me. So, I tossed the balloon right onto it. SPLASH!

That got him moving. He high-tailed his soggy ass out of there, and once I was sure he was gone, I went out and retrieved the clamp and secured the lid. Take that!

And so, our trash was safe for another night. But don't think I don't know that he'll be back the next time I forget the clamp. He really didn't seem to be the kind of critter that would give up on a meal out of fear for a wet coat.

*I make Michael wear protective goggles when we play Nerf Darts. My mom actually asked me if I provided the raccoon with eye protection. Um, no. He already has a mask on.


Lindsay said...


Janna said...

That's hilarious! Glad you are safe - racoons are evil; they kill for sport... or whatever, they're not nice...

LauraC said...

Call CPS, this crazy woman is shooting sweet animals!!

Joanna said...

Laura - I'll gladly crate him up and send him to your back yard.

karen said...

Love it. Once upon a time, I conceded my bedroom to three raccoons who came in an open window and wouldn't be scared away. They are unflappable. Not put off by much, but raccoons will do it.

Steph said...

Way to get rid of the raccoon!

I once had a stand off between my house and car in Massachusetts with a skunk at 11 pm when I was trying to drive to the train stop to pick Ben and my brother in law up from a night out in Boston. Dude, you just have to let those things move on their own though.

JenFen said...

Om my goodness Joanna, that really had me laughing. Not only the tactics you employed or the fact that the majority of them didn't seem to faze the little guy but just picturing you loading nerf guns and filling up water balloons. So much for relaxing evening doing whatever you want?

Karla said...

OMG that was so funny (although I'm sure it wasn't funny to you at the time!!)

Stacey said...

I want to personally thank that raccoon for inspiring this hilarious tale. If only someone would have gotten that encounter on video.

Karen said...

Too funny! I would have run in the other direction though. We had an incident with squirrels last year and unfortunately, it didn't end as nice.

Julie said...

You are lucky you have boy stuff around to "shoot" with! All I could toss at a critter would be a My Little Pony.

DesiDVM said...

Too funny. I was thinking when you brought up the balloon that you were going to inflate it and then try to scare the raccoon away by popping it or something. A water balloon is so much better! :-P